Fully Validated Kanye West Retires To Quiet Farm In Iowa
‘I Got All The Approval I Needed,’ Content Former Pop Star Says
From The Onion, but an entertaining article nonetheless.
Up until this very moment I’d never even once considered Kanye West’s potential culinary abilities. The more I think about it the more I like the idea. We should probably just hurry up and get married to be honest with you.
Having unwillingly spent a lot of time in and around airports this Christmas I’ve noticed that there are two definite types of people: those who travel smart and those who travel comfy.
Today I travelled smart, as always, but now I’m back in Paris I’m going for a McDonald’s before getting ready for work this evening. (My excuse? I’ve been away, there’s no food in the fridge).
The wedding buffet at work this evening was a carvery style and I was in charge of cutting and serving the salmon. As the guests filed past me, however, they were not best pleased.
“Would you like any salmon at all, sir? Madam?” I would say. And they would give me a look that suggested that this was the single most preposterous offer they’d ever received; as if, for example, I’d just asked them if they wouldn’t mind if I urinated on them, or, “would you like any horse manure with those vegetables? Yeah? Just a little bit on the side there? Yep? Lovely.”
In reality what I was offering people was just salmon, so I was totally surprised by the hostility with which I was met. I mean, what would be so offensive about a slither of salmon if you’ve already piled your plate up with a smorgasbord of various other cold meats and potato salads? Never before have I seen people react to seafood with such contempt.
The best thing about making cookies with my sister in the middle of the night is eating a whole load of pure cookie dough and feeling violently sick afterwards.
It’s all worth it, though, for that beautifully sweet and sugary sinful mouthful of absolute heaven.
This situation is very bizarre.
I am quite literally living off yoghurts. There seems to be an unlimited supply of yoghurts in my fridge which keeps replenishing itself; they just keep reappearing. To eat them, I keep washing up the same spoon - presumably to save waste - and digging in.
Life has got very desperate. Help?
I just looked in my cupboard for something to eat and realised that a few days ago I bought six tins of Pulpe de Tomates because they were on special offer.
What the bloody hell am I going to do with them?
Mmm.. Covent Garden Tomato & Marscapone soup. I’m the luckiest man alive.
